Category Archives: an essay/addiction

For Her, Getting Sober Wasn’t Just About Stopping Drinking

You see, for her, getting sober wasn’t just about stopping drinking and going to meetings. It was way more personal than that. That was never enough, or at least it never had a lasting effect. Toward the end of her drinking days, the longest she could stay sober was three to four months. She didn’t have the gift of believing in true “life itself”; she had to face her “gift” of shame and fear. Anything else was surface and she was unaffected. If someone were to have said that she drank too much she would have thought “how would you know?”

Getting sober, for her, needed to be about reclaiming her spiritual and physical truth. She knew the traditional programs claim that they are “spiritual,” however she had to find her own truth, her own path and spirit, and she needed a rock-solid reason, or it just wasn’t going to be worth it. It seems, she felt more comfortable in her own confusion of unedited free flow of the brain. She felt her sadness and her fear, and she was angry, deep down about it. Back then, she was hiding deep inside herself, where she thought the shame couldn’t find her, but alas, fear is shame’s house, and in reality, it fueled the light she saw the world through. She didn’t know the key to get out was contained in her soul, let alone that she even had the key.

It was not deliberate, but it was her very existence she was taught to be ashamed of and that her origin was to forever remain a closed secret, a dark smudge and a scary truth. Unconscious and fear-based dysfunctional agreements were made, resulting in a general understanding that whatever got her to Earth was something to be ashamed of and feared. She was taught that under no circumstances was she to ask, discuss or talk about the fact that she was adopted “for her own good.” That included her parents and everyone. She was taught to keep it a secret, or people wouldn’t like her. She was told other kids wouldn’t be allowed to play with her if they KNEW. Huh? She was taught to have fear, and to have fear of fear, and to feel emotionally vulnerable — because what should have been her rock, her essential truth truth had no foundation. What a mess.

How the Queen Said “No” to Simon Says & Other Closed Enviornments

Are you addicted to your thoughts? I am addicted to mine, in that I believe I need them to express me at least so long as I am here. In this physical world and here on Earth ,”I am” is expressed physically in everything but does not reside locally. My thoughts express me but are not me or who I am entirely. The part of me here seems to be created as an entity, a space time event, that thinks and feels in a birth, life , death format over a process of time. But time is an earthly concept, manufactured to keep track of things. It is like a device that allows us to compare the illusory physical experience. But Time, like the past the future, and good or evil, only exists within the minds of people. Theoretically, I have thoughts through all the parts of my body. My brain, which normally gets accredited with where the thinking is going on, is instead, more like the processor, and central commander, second or maybe even third in charge. Right now, on March 19, 2008, at 4:04 pm my brain is responsible for interpreting the “thoughts” or signals the body sends it, including its own. Perhaps when looking at disease, we should look to the brain. Perhaps instead of looking at the the body parts that are diseased and trying to cure them there, we should take a look at brain activity. Could it be that brain function could be responsible for disease? Does the brain interpret DNA? If so, maybe the cures we seek will be written in brain code? I don’t know if I’ve just stumbled onto something here at 4:18 pm, March19, 2008 but doesn’t that sound interesting? As far as I know no one has ever been able to produce evidence that “I am” exists in the body. With all the poking, prodding and dissecting the person in charge, the “I am”, the one you call and experience as you, not your thoughts, has never been found. Not in the brain and not in the body. (I refer you to the famous brain experiments at McGill University in Montreal, Canada.) Yet, we’re sure we are here; after all, we can see ourselves. One of the ways we experience ourselves is through love. The other way we experience ourselves is through fear. It is our unique privilege and highest distinction to be equipped with knowledge of a moral good and bad. We either are dedicated to the truth or we are dedicated to the stories we tell to protect ourselves from what we believe will create more fear. Our beliefs are full of stuff we think we now, but we don’t know those things, we only know our thoughts of them. Thoughts occur in time but I do not. I am. When I say I, I immediately am not that I any more, because now I am this one. Direct experience gets deeply embedded when it is witnessed. How often do you witness that you are alive and that you are just here? The more we witness the more fulfilling life seems, like having a good connection.