You see, for her, getting sober wasn’t just about stopping drinking and going to meetings. It was way more personal than that. That was never enough, or at least it never had a lasting effect. Toward the end of her drinking days, the longest she could stay sober was three to four months. She didn’t have the gift of believing in true “life itself”; she had to face her “gift” of shame and fear. Anything else was surface and she was unaffected. If someone were to have said that she drank too much she would have thought “how would you know?”
Getting sober, for her, needed to be about reclaiming her spiritual and physical truth. She knew the traditional programs claim that they are “spiritual,” however she had to find her own truth, her own path and spirit, and she needed a rock-solid reason, or it just wasn’t going to be worth it. It seems, she felt more comfortable in her own confusion of unedited free flow of the brain. She felt her sadness and her fear, and she was angry, deep down about it. Back then, she was hiding deep inside herself, where she thought the shame couldn’t find her, but alas, fear is shame’s house, and in reality, it fueled the light she saw the world through. She didn’t know the key to get out was contained in her soul, let alone that she even had the key.
It was not deliberate, but it was her very existence she was taught to be ashamed of and that her origin was to forever remain a closed secret, a dark smudge and a scary truth. Unconscious and fear-based dysfunctional agreements were made, resulting in a general understanding that whatever got her to Earth was something to be ashamed of and feared. She was taught that under no circumstances was she to ask, discuss or talk about the fact that she was adopted “for her own good.” That included her parents and everyone. She was taught to keep it a secret, or people wouldn’t like her. She was told other kids wouldn’t be allowed to play with her if they KNEW. Huh? She was taught to have fear, and to have fear of fear, and to feel emotionally vulnerable — because what should have been her rock, her essential truth truth had no foundation. What a mess.